Mia, this is wonderfully personal and deeply illuminating essay for me. I can never understand the feeling of displacement, never belonging, and having to "pick sides" in the way that you have experienced in your life, and I hesitate to say this as I don't want to take away anything from your experience, but have felt all of those things in my own struggle as an early immigrant who also came to the U.S. as a toddler. I avoided going to Ktown for decades because of that shame and being treated so poorly because I didn't speak the language (It's all turned around of course because of the popular globalization of Korea in the last 5-10 years). Perpetually treated like a foreigner here in my own country. It's always been an unsettling space to inhabit. Surpringly, when I went to Korea 2 years ago for the first time in 40 years, I did not feel like an outsider the same way I did when I went when I was ten. The feeling of belonging and getting in touch with where I came from was so overwhelming.
All of these stories are so important to share. Thank you for sharing yours.
Thank you, Jenna, that really means a lot coming from you. I so appreciate you sharing your experience and it is a no way taking away from mine. I feel as though it actually makes it richer. There are so many nuances to race, nationality, heritage and identity and it’s lovely to create a comprehensive narrative.
Your experience reminds me of many of my Mexican friends in San Diego - they were first generation and their parents did not want them to speak any Spanish because, assimilation. As a result, many of them cannot speak Spanish as adults and find it extremely embarrassing.
I planned to go back to Seoul for my 50th birthday, but decided it’s not really how I want to spend my birthday. I think it will be a much more emotional trip than I want for a “happy 50th!” I’ve never felt accepted in the Korean community, so it’s hard for me to envision a warm homegoing. But maybe it will be more like your experience. ❤️
Yes, it does sound similar. And yes to so many nuances on race. I know my experience is different from my kids who are biracial. I am so sorry to hear that the Korean community has not been accepting. Reading your essay brought back some memories of the tension and physical altercations between the black and Korean communities here in NY in the 80s/90s. My brother was often caught in that when he was in high school. So tough. I remember on threads that you were planning to go on your 50th but totally understandable why you don't want to go at that time. I do hope that you can visit someday.
Thank you for letting us in on this part of your personal process of the messiness of identity formation and the process of becoming grounded as YOU.
I haven't thought a lot about third spaces, but I think about third culture pretty frequently. My kids are third culture kids, having grown up for the last 6 years abroad.
Ironically, even before we moved abroad, we felt third culture in the States. We never totally fit in there as a family either. Or... We did fit but with the other misfits. This had to do with being a multiracial family through adoption, but also a larger family than most with 5 kids. Having a lot of neurodivergence mixed in gives us a very particular culture as a family.
Being in a family who exists solidly outside the box, I love your final thought that we were never meant to be contained. What a deeply true statement that allows us to all grow past the boxes we never fit in anyway.
I need to think about this more, but my initial response is — you and your family have created a third space for yourselves when you couldn’t find it. As in, you all ARE the third space—any space y’all inhabit as a collective unit.
I hear what you’re saying in terms of a third culture, but I’m wondering if the third culture operates within the third space. Meaning, most people in third spaces create them or find them as a result of their Otherness or conflicting racial, gender and sexuality, and cultural differences — 3rd or alternative cultural ideals. Definitely a concept many of us can relate to. I like the idea of exploring 3rd culture and interviewing folks who embrace 3rd culture and/or spaces. I also love that you have figured out a way for everyone in your family to take up space and be authentically themselves. ❤️
Mia, this is wonderfully personal and deeply illuminating essay for me. I can never understand the feeling of displacement, never belonging, and having to "pick sides" in the way that you have experienced in your life, and I hesitate to say this as I don't want to take away anything from your experience, but have felt all of those things in my own struggle as an early immigrant who also came to the U.S. as a toddler. I avoided going to Ktown for decades because of that shame and being treated so poorly because I didn't speak the language (It's all turned around of course because of the popular globalization of Korea in the last 5-10 years). Perpetually treated like a foreigner here in my own country. It's always been an unsettling space to inhabit. Surpringly, when I went to Korea 2 years ago for the first time in 40 years, I did not feel like an outsider the same way I did when I went when I was ten. The feeling of belonging and getting in touch with where I came from was so overwhelming.
All of these stories are so important to share. Thank you for sharing yours.
Thank you, Jenna, that really means a lot coming from you. I so appreciate you sharing your experience and it is a no way taking away from mine. I feel as though it actually makes it richer. There are so many nuances to race, nationality, heritage and identity and it’s lovely to create a comprehensive narrative.
Your experience reminds me of many of my Mexican friends in San Diego - they were first generation and their parents did not want them to speak any Spanish because, assimilation. As a result, many of them cannot speak Spanish as adults and find it extremely embarrassing.
I planned to go back to Seoul for my 50th birthday, but decided it’s not really how I want to spend my birthday. I think it will be a much more emotional trip than I want for a “happy 50th!” I’ve never felt accepted in the Korean community, so it’s hard for me to envision a warm homegoing. But maybe it will be more like your experience. ❤️
Yes, it does sound similar. And yes to so many nuances on race. I know my experience is different from my kids who are biracial. I am so sorry to hear that the Korean community has not been accepting. Reading your essay brought back some memories of the tension and physical altercations between the black and Korean communities here in NY in the 80s/90s. My brother was often caught in that when he was in high school. So tough. I remember on threads that you were planning to go on your 50th but totally understandable why you don't want to go at that time. I do hope that you can visit someday.
Thank you for sharing your journey with clarity and choosing wholeness against social pressures. You story gives more space for being.
Wonderful essay and intriguing thoughts on the third space. You are making me think in all the best ways!
Thank you so much for your response! It’s so helpful to get reader feedback. 😘
Thank you for letting us in on this part of your personal process of the messiness of identity formation and the process of becoming grounded as YOU.
I haven't thought a lot about third spaces, but I think about third culture pretty frequently. My kids are third culture kids, having grown up for the last 6 years abroad.
Ironically, even before we moved abroad, we felt third culture in the States. We never totally fit in there as a family either. Or... We did fit but with the other misfits. This had to do with being a multiracial family through adoption, but also a larger family than most with 5 kids. Having a lot of neurodivergence mixed in gives us a very particular culture as a family.
Being in a family who exists solidly outside the box, I love your final thought that we were never meant to be contained. What a deeply true statement that allows us to all grow past the boxes we never fit in anyway.
I need to think about this more, but my initial response is — you and your family have created a third space for yourselves when you couldn’t find it. As in, you all ARE the third space—any space y’all inhabit as a collective unit.
I hear what you’re saying in terms of a third culture, but I’m wondering if the third culture operates within the third space. Meaning, most people in third spaces create them or find them as a result of their Otherness or conflicting racial, gender and sexuality, and cultural differences — 3rd or alternative cultural ideals. Definitely a concept many of us can relate to. I like the idea of exploring 3rd culture and interviewing folks who embrace 3rd culture and/or spaces. I also love that you have figured out a way for everyone in your family to take up space and be authentically themselves. ❤️